The Magnus Archives

The Buried

I feel like I'm trudging through life sometimes. I've been looking for a job for 3 years and I've never gotten an interview. I have a good resume, good experience and nothing. I haven't applied to any universities and I graduated two years ago. I don't drive, I can't make phone calls. I'm just stuck in the mud, doing fuck all except making this website lol. And some crochet projects. I want to do something but it's so hard to get out of this rut and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I'll suffocate, just stay stagnant forever and die a failure. :/ this got real way faster than I expected. I also get overstimulated fairly easily, I guess. That counts as buried I think.

The Corruption

I have very intense vermiphobia. Look it up, I can't type what the fear is. Saying or reading the name of those wretched beasts makes my skin crawl and itch. On a bad day it can send me straight into a panic attack, no exaggeration. I cannot garden. I cannot go out when it rains. I can feel them in me when I see them. My dad likes to fish and he will keep a box of them in the fridge sometimes. I don't eat until they're gone, again, no exaggeration. I've had terrible nightmares about the sort of thing that happens to Jane Prentiss in the show since I was a child. I still get them sometimes. Being helpless to stop them from invading my home, my safe space. Up the walls, in my food. Watching them move under my skin, convulsing like thick bulbous veins, unable to stop them from eating me from the inside out. Eugh I can barely explain it. Just typing this out is making me itchy. And I was just about to eat, damn it.

The Dark

I like to think I'm not afraid of the dark anymore. I used to be, never going to the basement without a parent. Now I keep it mostly dark in my room, never turning on the big light. My mom calls it my cave. I don't mind being out in the dark, I frequently sit on the porch at night. I'm not afraid of the dark, but every so often it gets to me. I'll look through the darkness and see a figure. It's nothing, just a trick of the light or a piece of furniture, but it undoes all of my progress and I'm a scared little kid again, running up the stairs to escape the dark basement.

The Desolation

I have plans for every outcome. I'll lay awake at night and think of what I will save and how I'll escape even though I am privileged to live in a place that has very few natural disasters. In elementary school there was a very serious tornado warning. This is very uncommon where I live and it's the only one I've ever experienced. Nothing ended up touching down, but I remember sitting in the bathroom, head down, back against the cold brick. My best friend was crying next to me. I wanted to comfort her, but my mind was fixed. Focused on the pictures I'd seen. The stories about destroyed homes and missing families. A girl being found in rubble days after the tornado, trapped next to her fathers corpse. I started crying too. Parents slowly took their kids away, my parents coming later than I would have liked. As we walked across the field to our car, I looked up and the sky was green.

The End

I'm not afraid to die. I mean, I guess I am, but it's not something I think about. I'm afraid everyone around me will die. A few months ago my Aunt died. She was in her mid fifties. She fell asleep on the couch, had a heart attack and died alone. It was so sudden. She had just texted my mom a photo of her dogs a couple hours before. She was my closest Aunt and I loved her a lot. She was so supportive of my art and my craft, so excited to see what I'd done. It was devastating, but what made it worse is that her son is younger than me. My cousin, a year younger than me, had to deal with his mom's death at 19. No warning, no last words. She was alive and now she's dead and a week later she was in the ground. Ever since then I watch my parents closely. I live at home and anytime anyone is late or I'm not sure where they are, this fear creeps in.

The Eye

I can't drive without having a panic attack. Whenever I tell people, they say things like “oh it's not as dangerous as you think“ and “you'll get used to it! I was scared of hurting someone too“. That's never the worry. The thought of someone or something watching me while I drive is literally crippling to me. I can feel the judging eyes on me. The one time I felt okay enough to go on the main road I pulled over to let someone pass and this man, no joke, stopped driving, backed up to my window, and scowled like I was an idiot and asked what was wrong with me. I haven't driven since. I can't let anyone see what I'm doing ever. I always sit with my back to a corner, never letting anyone see what I'm working on. I work with my screen brightness all the way down so people can't peak. I sleep facing my room so I can see everything in it. I won't tell anyone what I'm working on, what project I'm doing. I can't let them know.

The Flesh

I can't stand any unwanted texture on my skin. I pick at scabs, I pick at moles, I pick at skintags. If I don't want it on my skin, I will Get. It.Off. My legs are covered in scars from mosquito bites. It's not on purpose. I just need it off me. It starts with just scratching, and then it hurts and then it's a scab and I pick it until it bleeds. And then I'm stuck with a permanent mark on my skin, reminding me of my weakness.

The Hunt

I walk alone a lot. I like to get out of the house and there are a few places within walking distance I like to go to. It's mostly fine, I have my phone and my headphones, but occasionally I'll be out for too long and it's nearly dark out. Walking home then is less pleasant. I know I'm fine, I know I'm safe, but I still look behind me. My knuckles turn white as I grasp my phone, ready to swing if needs be. Headphones off, hyper aware, heart beating faster and faster. Moving briskly, nearly a sprint. Walking fast, faces pass and I'm home bound do do do do do do dooo (I'm sorry I couldn't help it)

The Lonely

I don't have many friends. Even the friends I do have, I don't keep up with very well. I am the worst texter I know. Queen of left on read. I catch myself hiding away, curling in on myself. Instead of making actual friends, I imagine fun scenarios with my characters in my head like a crazy person. I don't chat online, I am viciously suspicious of every one online, no matter how nice. I hate online chat rooms and get incredibly anxious when making calls. Even when I do hang out with people, I feel like it's so rare that I connect. I'm not saying I'm special or quirky or anything, I just don't click with people easily. I wish I did. I'm endlessly envious of those who collect friends so easily. My best friend is like that, they have so many friends and every time we talk they mention someone new. I only have them.

The Slaughter

I used to take the subway every day. As I did, the crime rates in my city significantly increased (I had nothing to do with it, promise). Specifically the random attacks on the subway. Every day was a new story of an old woman getting pushed onto the tracks or a man being stabbed multiple times. All random attacks. The only motive was “looked at me funny“ or “smiled“. It was scary having to get on every day, knowing that someone was killed the day before at the stop I got off at. Also, unrelated, the world is going to shit and war is spreading. I worry everyday that I will be thrust into a fight that doesn't concern me. I'm just lucky I live somewhere relatively peaceful.

The Spiral

The Wonderland statement hit a bit close to home. If you don't remember or don't know the statement, look up the transcript because I can't be bothered to explain it. I mean I'm glad I haven't had any bad interactions with health professionals but that doesn't mean my inner voice doesn't sound like Doctor David. I am doing better now, medicated, feeling okay, and being nicer to myself. Also, mostly unrelated, I have the worst sense of direction out of every one I know. I work purely off of landmarks and can't navigate for shit. You spin me around and drop me somewhere near my house and I'll die of thirst.

The Stranger

I am terrified of the uncanny valley. It's something that is always effective against me no matter how unscary the media surrounding it is. The Jerma sus face genuinely scared me the first time I saw it. I've felt this way ever since I was a kid. I used to scare myself thinking that my parents weren't actually my parents and that they turned into skeletons when I wasn't looking. I used to have nightmares of my reflection moving without me. When I first read and saw the smile dog picture, I fucking freaked. That shit scared me so bad. Of course the Mandela catalogue has become sort of a mascot for the uncanny valley and baby, it lives up to it. I didn't even watch the original videos, I watched a reaction vid and I still couldn't sleep right for a week. That stupid intruder's face was burned into my eyelids. Now I think it's fine, I've gotten used to them but holy cow did it get me before. Yeah, firm no to uncanny valley stuff. Clowns are good, though. Love clowns.

The Vast

I have trouble wrapping my head around the world. The idea that someone just like me who lives and breathes and eats and sleeps lives on the opposite side of the earth, which is a small stone in the vast empty space of the universe is deeply upsetting. I feel that way about God too. I was raised religious and my dad has asked me a couple times what hang ups I have about the church and whether or not I really believe in a God. I never know what to say. It all feels too big for me. He seems content to accept what he believes are God's blessings, telling me that some things I'm not meant to know and that you have to think smaller. I don't think I can. If I can't grasp earth, how can I grasp something more? It always gets too big.

The Web

First off, love spiders, no complaints there. Anyways, I didn't like the game Mouthwashing when it first got popular. I think it's cool now, but I really hated it at first for a personal reason. It fully tricked me. The whole time I was fully on Jimmy's side. The whole damn time like a RUBE! All the red flags and the implied violence went right over my head and I was sitting there like “wow Anya is so annoying haha, why is Swansea so rude haha, why don't we all just kill Curly haha.“ and then I went online and read some reviews and was HORRIFIED. I fell hook line and sinker for the manipulative abuser. It got me and I was so distraught I refused to interact with the game at all. It felt even worse because I had an emotionally abusive friend I had cut off a few years back. I felt like I had failed myself. I felt so vulnerable and like a fucking idiot.

The Extinction

I don't watch doomsday movies. No zombies, no apocalypse, no dystopia. I know they're supposed to make you think, but I don't want to? I prefer not laying awake in bed after a movie panicking about what my plan would be if aliens took over the world and I had to save my family. Every time I watch any doomsday stuff I am immediately gripped with the adrenaline of having to save everyone and everything and I don't like it. I don't enjoy these hypotheticals. It just makes me upset.

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